Co-Parenting as a Mum: Finding Your Own Rhythm

There is no single right way to co-parent. If you're reading this while feeling like you're getting it wrong, or comparing yourself to other families who seem to have it "figured out," I want to gently say — every co-parenting relationship looks different, because every separation, every ex-partner dynamic, and every family looks different. What works for one mum may not fit your situation at all, and that's completely okay.

‍That said, there are some ideas from the research and clinical world that many women find genuinely helpful to sit with — not as rules to follow, but as gentle reframes that can take some of the weight off.

Separating the Parenting Relationship from the Romantic One

One of the more useful shifts many women find in co-parenting work comes from The Co-Parenting Handbook by Karen Bonnell, a resource I often draw on in this space. Bonnell writes about co-parenting as something closer to a working partnership focused on a shared goal — raising your children well — rather than an extension of the romantic relationship that has ended.

This doesn't mean pretending old hurts don't exist, or that communication will suddenly become easy. For many women, especially in the early stages, this is far from simple. But some find it helpful to mentally separate "who my co-parent was to me as a partner" from "who my co-parent is to our children" — because the second relationship still needs to function, even when the first one is over.

If this idea doesn't resonate with your situation — for instance, in circumstances involving high conflict, safety concerns, or a co-parent who isn't engaging respectfully — that's an important and valid difference, and a very different kind of support may be needed. This reframe is offered as one option among many, not a universal fix.

Making Space for the Hard Feelings, Rather Than Fighting Them

Co-parenting can bring up feelings that catch you off guard — resentment during a handover, grief at a missed bedtime, guilt about how the kids are coping, frustration at decisions being made without you. It's tempting to try to push these feelings away, stay "positive," or tell yourself you shouldn't feel this way because it's been a while, or because things are "meant to be" amicable now.

‍ This is where Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers something worth considering. Dr Russ Harris, in The Happiness Trap, writes about how much of our suffering comes not from difficult emotions themselves, but from the struggle against them — the belief that we shouldn't be feeling what we're feeling. Making room for a hard emotion, rather than fighting it or judging yourself for having it, often takes some of its intensity away. It doesn't make the feeling disappear, but it can loosen its grip. ‍

Alongside this, ACT talks about noticing the stories our minds tell us in stressful moments — thoughts like "I'll never get this right" or "the kids are being damaged by this" — and gently creating some distance from them, rather than treating every thought as fact. This isn't about forcing positive thinking. It's about recognising a thought as a thought, which can open up a little more room to choose how you respond.

Coming Back to What Matters to You

When co-parenting feels overwhelming, it can help to return to your own values — not your ex-partner's, not what other families seem to be doing, but what actually matters to you as a mother. For some women that's consistency for their children. For others, it's protecting their own energy so they can show up well. For many, it's some combination that shifts over time.

There's no finish line where co-parenting becomes effortless. Most women describe it as something that gets easier to hold, rather than something that resolves completely. Small, values-aligned steps — rather than trying to get everything "right" — tend to be more sustainable over the long term.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone ‍

If you're finding co-parenting brings up grief, anger, guilt, or exhaustion that feels hard to carry by yourself, individual counselling can offer a space to work through this — not to fix your co-parent or your circumstances, but to support you in finding your own footing within them.

Every family's co-parenting journey is different, and this article isn't a substitute for individual support tailored to your specific situation. If you'd like to talk this through, I'd love to hear from you — or you can learn more about counselling for blended families and co-parenting.

Written by Kylie Rumney, Accredited Counsellor (Level 1), Australian Counselling Association — About Kylie